What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:14
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
How far back into your childhood can your remember and what is your favorite memory of that time?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why does my sister want to have sex with me? What should I do?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
Why can't white people just surrender their white privilege?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Would you raise your children like your parents raised you?
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ive learnt so much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was scared of men, in general
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was 9 years of age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She found it foreign!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im still living with it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
He knew the spot.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.